The Holidays are sneaking up on me. Last year AJ, Emily and Finley spent Christmas with us. It was the first time sine 2008 I felt it was a real celebration. This year they won't be with us so we will fly out to see them the week before Christmas.
Tonight I'm filled with reflection - ghosts of Christmas Past and wonders about Christmas' future and all that lies in between.
My parents divorced in 1968/1969 and remarried in 1970 so Christmas was always busy. We visited every side of the family over two days. Once I was married with kids we had a holiday schedule that fit in 3 or more visits. We all lived nearby so driving house to house, meal to desert as accomplished. Now the families are spread so far apart that it requires scheduling family time, plane flights or 15 hour car trips. Who knows what will happen when the other children start families!
And as the night draws to a close, my thoughts turn to my childhood. My mom loved Christmas. She bought a white artificial tree and it went up every Thanksgiving weekend. It was decorated with golden lights and I remember spending many a night watching the twinkling lights in the darkened room. My tree is not up yet ... But I close my eyes and I feel like I'm back home, even for a minute. So despite the melancholy that settles over me this holiday, I'm thankful for the old memories and for the prospect of new memories.
December 5, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Saturday, December 05, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Letting Go
I am still shocked it has been over 5 years since I posted. After mom died in March 2009, I struggled to find meaning in everyday life. I experienced grief that took away every good part of my life for a very long time. Each day was an effort at finding who I was without my mom, my muse, my biggest supporter and largest critic. This uncompromising grief has hijacked my life, my husband and children's time with me. It has hijacked my joy. So in the effort of letting go of the grief, I start talking of the good, the funny, the weird things in life again. Letting go doesn't mean I'm not still grieving. I still miss mom every minute of every day. Sometimes I think she is one of the few people in life who "got me" ... who understood the way my mind works. No one understands like a mom. But she would want me to move on. To let go of the horrible grief and fully embrace each day. For my husband, my children and grandchildren (2!) I have already started that process. Now I am writing again.
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