Letting Go

 I am still shocked it has been over 5 years since I posted. After mom died in March 2009, I struggled to find meaning in everyday life. I experienced grief that took away every good part of my life for a very long time. Each day was an effort at finding who I was without my mom, my muse, my biggest supporter and largest critic.  This uncompromising grief has hijacked my life, my husband and children's time with me. It has hijacked my joy. So in the effort of letting go of the grief, I start talking of the good, the funny, the weird things in life again. Letting go doesn't mean I'm not still grieving. I still miss mom every minute of every day. Sometimes I think she is one of the few people in life who "got me" ... who understood the way my mind works.  No one understands like a mom. But she would want me to move on. To let go of the horrible grief and fully embrace each day. For my husband,  my children and grandchildren (2!) I have already started that process. Now I am writing again.

One Year

Alan remarked that I have not written since September. Somehow, I find it hard to explain how I lost my muse, my audience, my reason for writing. Losing mom continues to impact me each day. Missing her is constant. It has been a year and I have promised to write again. And so here is the one and only personal recap.

Q dying in June was just another nail driven into our hearts. But we were lucky, a mastiff puppy was born July 1st and Sweep joined us in September.
Xindi's joy at having a dog to watch over was overwhelming. She took him under her wing and decided he was her puppy - and as her puppy, she would decide who could touch him. We quickly corrected her thinking. Today, when Sweep (Sweepers to me) runs to greet anyone or any dog, we just tell her it is okay. He is friendly and social. He loves daily walks and car rides - demanding attention from Alan. He does not cuddle like Q did - and unlike Q he loves people, dogs, and children.
Very little scares him now that he is 8 months old and "coming into his own". Well, okay, neutering him on St. Patty's day has traumatized him and us. After ripping out every single stitch he is a current cone-head. Alan called it the cone of shame. Sweep calls it the cone of torture. I call it sleepless nights.

I continue to drive 150 miles a day round trip for work. Who would have thought the economy would tank like it did... the Illinois house sold on August 30, 2009 after almost 2 years on the market. I am surprised by how much I miss it and Lindenhurst. I had a full life there with the kids, schools, community work and friends. It will take me a little more time to settle in WIsconsin. I am pleased to say, each day is better. Alan loves it in Wisconsin and that makes each day worthwhile.

Alyssa is still in London. At some point she will graduate and come home, but for now, she is working hard on her studies. I continue to miss her desperately. Us mom's cling to our children - take pride in their accomplishments and miss them when they are away. I am your typical mom.
Richard is working full-time and going to school part-time while living with us. I hope he stays awhile, with the economy the way it is, he is better off here than struggling in a small apartment.
AJ is in Ranger School and we'll go to his graduation April 1st. Then he is off to South Korea, while Emily sells the house and begins Law School on the East Coast.

So today, I make the promise to start writing again. Stay tuned for dog stories, psycho cat stories and mishmash of travelogues.

Sweep Settling In

Despite not liking his crate at night, Sweep had no problem running into the crate with various objects to chew on - like Richard's work boot! His first 5 days were a little rough. He really missed his old family and spent a few days hiding from everything and everyone. We would go find him and pet him slowly - with some massaging - telling him we were ok.

I could hear his answer in my head - but there were no yappy dogs at the other place - why - WHY, did I get the yappy dog? However, she was quite fun when she wasn't stealing the toys away from him. She led him around the yard and taught him that barking is her normal mode of conversation.

Finally, he stuck to his guns. There would be no crate for him. But as he became more comfortable, he started looking for things to chew at night (the mattress, the dirty clothes we put down for him along with the blankets) and anything else he could think of. We knew he had to become comfortable with the crate. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

Who are you? Where am I?

On September 4th we welcomed Blackmagic's Chimney Sweep (Aka Sweep) into our hearts and lives. We picked him up in Gurnee where we met his breeder as she was attending weekend shows (two back to back wins for her Yay!). We spent the week getting ready for him - and Friday morning set up his crate. Mazie loved the crate. She couldn't wait to get into it. We even set it up for later with sheets, and a cat bed on top! We stood back and said "Wow, it is big!" We know he will fully fill it in 9 months - but initially, Wow, it is BIG.

So off we went to pick up our puppy. He was 9 week old. He was not happy leaving his sister and brothers. We brought him home where he got to meet the yappy daschund and the house. He was quite upset at being without his support system. Alan picked him up and cuddled him in the chair. This look says it all:



WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE IN THE HELL AM I?


He hated his crate. He cried all night - for 2 nights - even with Alan sleeping with him. So we put him on a leash tethered to the bed and he finally slept all night long. I finally get some sleep today.

Xindi Completes Puppy Kindergarten

Xindi did a 7 week class of puppy kindergarten. The topics covered housebreaking (she did great), chewing and mouthing (well we can see how well that worked); House manners (jumping, barking, stealing items, etc.); basic obedience, puppy confidence building and the like.

At the beginning of class we were doing great only 1 or 2 accidents in the house, crated all night and sleeping most of it, and generally doing well.

At the end of class; we have no accidents in the house, Xindi has perfected the art of sleeping with mom in the big bed (crate, what crate?) walks herself with growly sounds on the leash and basically laughs at us each time we rein her in. The private trainer has confirmed - yes it is all my fault. She has to be at least 6 months for obedience but there is a class in between for her to try. I will be learning along the way. The question remains, what else she has to teach me?

She will start Puppy Foundation Agility in mid September. The possibilities are endless!

Mapping out the Woods

Xindi has been walking in the woods and finding all the good things for her new brother to smell and see. This part of the trail is one of her favorites - it ends in an open field, with a boarded up cabin and leads to a beautiful pond and picnic area. This must have been someone's hunting grounds before it was given to the County. The trails are nice - a little up and down in some areas - but a nice picnic and play area for the dogs. Usually we never see anyone when we come - today we came across two other dogs. We can't wait for Sweep to join us on our daily walks.

More Xindi Stories

While we wait to see if the Illinois house sells, we amuse ourselves with a very determined puppy. She is our first hound dog - our other dogs were bulldogs and mastiffs - all laid back - easy going. This one has a determination that is both endearing and amazing at the same time. Right now she is making random jumps at the old cat who has decided to have a lie down in her bed. Watch for that video later. She has enough toys though - when we don't take enough toys out, she goes to the basket and trys to pull them out herself.

Xindi eats at a fast pace. So we had to feed her in a muffin tin. Now instead of finishing her meal in 20-30 seconds, it takes her a few minutes. I use a piece of kibble to have her sit - then put down the tin. The sit is not really a sit, but we both try and pretend it is. She is in dog training classes and goes to puppy parties on Sundays now for socialization as she likes dogs better than people I think. We took her to the concert in the square - she is learning not to bark at people. She is so tiny - everyone towers over her. It is just a process.


We got her a car seat for dogs. This one was for dogs up to 20 pounds and cost $30.

I think we should have bought the 30 pound one - as it had a storage area under the seat. I like this style because both our cars are set up so that this seat works. It hangs from the top then has a strap that goes around the entire middle of the seat. The other style was more like an infant car seat - which needed a center seat belt that none of our cars have. You can't leave them unattended in it, as they are strapped in, so when we had to run into a store, we let her loose. Well on a stop to the local Wal-Mart, Alan ran in and she and I sat in the car. In this picture, she is mad because she is clipped in and can't get out. She knows it is possible - and was demanding her freedom. Like a baby, when the car moves, she sleeps, when it stops, she wants out of her seat.

Xindi and Bella Play

Xindi is growing rapidly. Next week she goes to the vet for her 3rd shots and then she can join classes, walk in the woods and enjoy life in the wider area than our big backyard. She loves Bella next door, but we keep them apart until she grows a little more. Bella is rapidly trying to dig a tunnel under the fence so they can be together. Now I just have to keep her from getting a pudgy belly. Her collar finally fits - and we are ready to begin leash training in earnest. We have walked the sidewalk (well, I walked, she carried her leash in her mouth). Here is Xindi and Bella.

Xindi's First Video - and missing Q

We are still coping with the loss of Q. It is harder than we expected. We have had advice of "Don't rush into another puppy too soon" to "the sooner you get another puppy, the better you will feel". We agree with the the sooner the better. We are dog people. When you are dog people, being without a dog is a terrible existence. I have Xindi, but Alan needs his mastiff and I do too. So, the wait begins. This one will be hard. Puppies are due the first week of July. We are wonderful parents and hope one has our name on his collar. We ordered a dog kennel. A puppy will need one until trained. It arrives tomorrow. (Plus it has a roof and will protect Xindi from flyng hawks.)

Anyway I took a video this morning - she is quite the adventurer and found the cat's soft ball. Here is the video. To make it smaller, I converted it to 50% for Youtube before uploading.

In Loving Memory of our 'Q' 10.01.99-06.11.09

Today we made the final decision to put Q to sleep. Oh, we had made the trip to the vet several times before. But we always came home with more medications, more dosages, pain killer prescriptions called in to Wal-Mart. Scroll through my blog for lots of Q stories. It is too unbearable to post any of the the last few week's worth of pictures.

He was our buddy, our puppa-roos, Alan's best bud. He loved us unconditionally and gave us the meaning to real acceptance. We spent more money on him than on ourselves. We went into debt for his TPLO surgeries, (yes, 2 of them), agonized over his health, took vacation days just for him, and made sure his training was exemplary so he would be loved and accepted most places. Our only wish would have been to erase his pain and extend his life longer than is 9+ years.

We love you Q, our hearts are aching tonight and will for a long time to come.

WHERE TO BURY A DOG

There is one best place to bury a dog.
If you bury him in this spot, he will come to you when you
call....over the dim frontiers of death, and down the
well-remembered path, and to your side again. And though
you call a dozen living dogs to heel, they shall not growl
at him, nor resent his coming, for he belongs there. People
may scoff at you, who see no lightest blade of grass bent by
his footfall...who hear no whimper; people who may never
really have had a dog. Smile at them, for you shall know
something which is hidden from them, knight is well worth
the knowing. The one best place to bury a good dog is in the
heart of his master.

--Author Unknown