Changes Since Mother's Day

I haven't written about my mom before. People who know me - well they know that my mom is in Hospice care at home. That stunning news came at the end of April from St. Luke's Hospital in Duluth. She had no more options. She has advanced COPDD Emphysema, possibly cancer, (they won't do the tests for the cancer). The doctor said it doesn't matter if she does or does not have cancer the treatment is the same - she has no lung tissue left and no options for treatment left. She struggles each minute of each day for breath. So home she came and Mother's day weekend, her 65Th birthday, I was in Minnesota with her. Dad filled me in on the medication routines and I slept on the couch to be with her all night. We left and I expected to return shortly. My own medical problems delayed my return until last night.

Dad injured his foot falling off a ladder - it is a bad injury - tearing of ligaments, bruising to his knee and a lot of swelling. He injured it almost 2 weeks ago on a Thursday, went to the ER on the Sunday after the fall. Yesterday, the doctor said it will take more time and he was very close to putting him in the hospital for it. Dad is the only caregiver for mom so that would mean a nursing home if dad needs hospitalization. It looks really bad and is very painful for dad.

Her morphine has gone from 5mg an hour (or every 2 hours) in May to 10 mg an hour and she also has a 12 hour time release morphine pill she takes also. Plus a host of other medications. Her medications keep her breathing - at what cost I am not sure. I helped her with breakfast and she shakes so hard I help steady her bowl so she doesn't wear the cream of wheat. She sits hunched over and doesn't look at my face too often - which is good right now, because I just cry - my eyes always have tears in them. I filled up the oxygen water bottle - and noticed the setting had been changed. In May it was set to "2". It is now set to a higher oxygen flow - just above the "3" mark.

She called for Richard this morning (my son) and was asking if he took all his medication last night. She was worrying about dad taking taking his medication for his foot. I told her dad took his medication and she could rest now, I watched him. She frequently leaves off in the middle of a sentence because she can't remember what she was saying, and then she goes off on something very strange and unrelated. She kept trying to tell me something and then gave up. She called out to me and I asked her what and she said she was talking to them and pointed to the end of her bed. I asked who "they" were and she gave me names of her Hospice nurse and workers and was mad that I didn't say goodbye and had no memory of what was said. I left the room for a minute to compose myself and came back and she was talking to the kids in the room - didn't I see the room full of legos. I told her it was the TV - it was okay, there were no legos and she could go to sleep for a bit. If the hallucinations were providing some sort of comfort to her - I guess it would not be so bad. But some seem to upset her. She is chuckling to herself - so hopefully it is something amusing.

Before this disease takes her life - it is taking her mind and the remaining links I have with her. I am only here until the weekend and then home again. It is a 9 hour drive - each way. Words cannot describe the extreme changes in her just since May. (In May I was upset over the changes since April and in April, the changes since winter).

Today it is very hard - because I know the next time I come, well, I can't even bear to think about it.